AN OPEN LETTER TO SINEAD O’CONNOR AND MILEY CYRUS
FROM UNI AND CHLOE ZOLA VOLCANO
Guys, we read your correspondence over the past few days, as did the rest of the world; we read when Amanda Palmer wrote an open letter in response to Sinead’s open letter, and we read when Miley tweeted about how hilarious it was that Sinead once had a nervous breakdown and tried to kill herself on Twitter, and we even read Barack Obama’s open letter to Bashar al-Assad about Miley Cyrus’s tweets about Sinead O’Connor’s open letter. This shit is getting so complicated that it’s like a bunch of people are standing in a closet shooting guns at each other, except the guns don’t shoot bullets, they shoot dog poop and Silly String ™.
Sinead: Your original viewpoint is that Miley Cyrus should respect herself more and not let herself be turned into a total whorebag by her male handlers, who are basically enormous penises wearing suits, with money coming out of the top of their dickheads, just an avalanche of cash shooting out of whatever that little penis-hole is called. Miley, in your opinion, was worth more than that. But then Miley responded by being all, “Calm down grandma, and maybe shoot some Prozac into your eyeballs before you pull a Sylvia Plath while singing ‘Nothing Compares 2 U’ ” and suddenly you were mad because Miley Cyrus is a total whorebag who can’t sit still for two seconds without licking a sledgehammer or pretending to stick her nose between some African-American woman’s ass cheeks.
Take it from us, two pussies baring all on the Internet: This shit just isn’t worth it. Sinead O’Connor, you are not going to sue Miley Cyrus for retweeting your tweets. Miley Cyrus, no one is going to care about you in about two years. All you are doing is making Facebook even more insufferable than it normally is. It’s like the fucking 9/11 anniversary on there right now, but instead of posting reverent reflections on an American tragedy, every fucking person is talking about whether you, Miley Cyrus, are a whore, or a feminist, or a whore and a feminist, or just a 20-year old kid whose right it is to giggle and jiggle and hump things in public; and they’re talking about you, Sinead O’Connor, and whether or not you’re washed up or a hypocrite, since you at one point in time showed your boobs to some people, too, and ripped up a picture of the Pope on television, and now can’t stop electronically ranting about mental illness and kids who were diddled by priests.
Just fucking relax and admit it: The Internet was built to disseminate photos of cats, information about cats, and cute blogs relating to cats in some way, shape, or form. No one made the Internet as a forum for sad people to accuse each other of being sluts, or slut-shamers, or shameful slut-mongers, or whatever. All we really care about is that Miley Cyrus stops doing that shit she does with her tongue, because it’s horrific, and it’s preventing us from taking proper cat naps, because we’re stuck with it in our kittenbrains, this leering protrusion of mouthmess, and it reminds us of nothing more than some guests Scott maybe had over the apartment once, the sort of people who’ve done so much cocaine that they’re basically ready to unhinge their own jaws and start cleaning their eyelashes with their tongues, that sort of thing. So really: Quit it with the tongue.
Yours, in eager anticipation of your open replies to this open letter,
Uni and Chloe Zola Volcano